‘She Said God Wanted Me to Suppress It’: Why One Survivor Is Hiding Their Deconstruction and Queer Identity From Fundamentalist Family

For years, the unraveling was slow and quiet—a gradual fading of certainty that finally collapsed into complete freedom six months ago. But while shedding a lifetime of rigid religious dogma brought immense relief, it also laid bare a dangerous reality: coming clean to family about leaving the faith is not always safe.

While one parent proved surprisingly supportive during conversations about leaving the church and processing past spiritual abuse, the rest of the household presents a terrifying hurdle. The primary author of that abuse, a mother struggling with unmanaged mental illness, treated faith as a weapon of control. A list of childhood grievances prepared for a therapist drew horror from friends, who noted that the survivor was drastically underreacting to the extent of the mistreatment.

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To make matters more complex, stepping away from the altar allowed room for another suppressed truth to surface: a lifetime of denying same-sex attraction was finally over. Having been told at age twelve that attraction to the same gender was merely a trial from God to be suppressed until death, the survivor realized that open honesty would only invite chaos, screaming matches, hometown gossip, or attempts at forced exorcisms.

The solution? A strict information blackout. The plan involves keeping both the deconstruction and a newfound practice of witchcraft completely hidden until graduation, relocation across the country, and total financial independence are achieved. Only then might a casual mention of a same-sex partner occur during rare, distant visits.

Commenters online divided sharply over whether keeping such massive secrets is self-preservation or self-sabotage. One person argued that fundamentalist family members are simply not entitled to comprehensive knowledge about one's personal life, noting that privacy is a healthy boundary rather than deceit.

Another commenter warned that hiding an identity can unintentionally hurt future romantic partners, who might feel devalued or forced into someone else's closet. Yet another shared a personal story of being outed and shunned, emphasizing that when safety and mental health are on the line, stepping away from church services and creating absolute distance is often the only realistic way forward.

This battle over personal autonomy mirrors broader debates over how high-control doctrines treat human agency. When a belief system demands absolute conformity under threat of condemnation, logic itself often gets twisted into unwinnable traps. Whether dealing with toxic household dynamics or ancient theological dilemmas regarding free will, the ultimate test for any survivor is deciding who gets to write their story.

Our podcast hosts take on this intense debate and break down the entire saga on this week's episode of Holy Smoke.